Twelvepackistan

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Why Led Zeppelin Kicks The Everloving Shit Out Of Every... For those of you who are mentally retarded or have been living in a coma on the surface of the sun for the last forty years, Led Zeppelin is an utterly kick ass rock band that dominated the 1970's, and...

We've Been Banned By China When my fellow Twelvepackistanians and I first got together to discuss this web site, the first question we asked ourselves was, "How long do we have before our ward attendant discovers we're missing?"...

Twelvepackistan's Guide To Surviving Prison Well, you finally did it. You landed yourself in prison. Not surprisingly, the jury agreed with your teachers, guidance counselors, and even your parents: The best thing you could do for society...

I Have To Admit, So Far I'm Not Terribly Impressed... Ever since I was a young boy, I've been fascinated by Westerns. The good guys, the bad guys, the Injuns, the rugged terrain... you name it, I loved it. And it was a fascination that only grew as I...

The Odds Of Brady Bunch Cast Members Being Terrorists Even in these dark days when much of the world seems bent on violently destroying America and all it stands for, we assume there are some people who aren't terrorists. Betty White, for example, or Prince....

Features

Grizzly Bears Are Jerks

By Ryan | Posted on 19-10-2009

That’s right, America, I said it. I mean, someone had to, and I’m just awesome enough to pull it off. You’ve all been in denial for years, droning endlessly about “the king of the forest” and “the majesty of these powerful, beautiful creatures” and “hey check out the bear in the wingtips – what a snappy dresser”. You know, the usual bear-centric nonsense. Well, it’s time to wake up! You may think grizzly bears are fun for the whole family, but it’s time someone hit you with...

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Now That’s A Nice Buzz

By Greg | Posted on 18-10-2009

Security footage of probably the most wasted, yet conscious person you will ever see. What can I say? It was a long night.

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Trees: What’s Their Fucking Problem?

By Greg | Posted on 13-10-2009

There are a lot of problems with this world we live in. Sure, there are plenty of good things too, such as tits, beer, and looking at tits while drinking beer, but there are some things that are so vile, so evil, and so profoundly fucked up that they make you question the very existence of God. I’m talking, of course, about trees. Yeah, trees. You read that right. For some reason, people find it odd that I’ve got a gigantic beef with trees. But trees really get on my fucking...

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Blam! Blam! Blam! BLAMMMMM! Oh, shit!

By Greg | Posted on 11-10-2009

Personally, I think if your kids are this stupid, you should have LOTS of loaded weapons in the house.

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Why Air Travel Sucks Donkey Balls

By Greg | Posted on 08-10-2009

Air travel sucks donkey balls. Period. End of story. Seriously, ask anyone who has flown somewhere recently what their experience was like and they will tell you, “Die, motherfucker!” while strangling you with your own entrails. This is because air travel is a soul stealing experience on every level and to merely remind someone that they went through it is akin to asking a Viet Nam veteran, “So, you were tortured in the Hanoi Hilton… What was that like?” You’re...

Quickies

11 Honest-To-God Reasons I’ve Been Bounced From A Bar

By Greg | Posted on 07-10-2009

One of the wonderful things about alcohol is that it gives you wonderful stories to tell later on. Of course, this assumes that anyone you know is still on speaking terms with you because, let’s be honest, some of the things that seem like a wonderful idea when you’re drunk are, in fact, sins against society and God himself. And I know whereof I speak (whereof?). Below are 11 reasons that I got booted from a bar. Seriously. These really happened (at least they did if the statute...

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The Masturbating Gunman

By Greg | Posted on 05-10-2009

Sigh, just another one of those boy-meets-girl-takes-her-out-into-the-badlands-runs-across-a-masturbating-gunman-has-his-friends-shot-and-gets-his-gun-taken-away-by-his-buddy’s-entrails-while-his-girlfriend-tries-to-get-it-on-with-the-murderer plot. C’mon, Hollywood, come up with something original for once!

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Self Defense for the Mildly Retarded

By Greg | Posted on 04-10-2009

I am a big believer in the free market, the idea Adam Smith put forth that the invisible hand of the free market would ensure that all demand would be met by supply. Now replace “invisible hand” with “my hand”, and “demand would be met by supply” with “taking money from the retarded”, and you’ve got my position in a nutshell: I believe that I should take money from the retarded. Why not, after all? It’s not like I’d be taking...

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A Letter to Earth from Pluto

By Nick | Posted on 01-10-2009

Important preface: Scientific claims to the contrary, it is a fact that the planet Neptune embraces Mormonism. Hello, Earth. It’s Pluto. It’s been a long time since our last correspondence. Ever since you saw fit to revoke my status as a planet, the two of us have lost contact with each other. Oh, and speaking of “Contact,” the Jodie Foster sci-fi flick, how the hell is Jodie, anyway? I’ve been an avid fan of hers ever since her precocious debut in “Taxi Driver” over 30...

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